Horny is a feeling

Horny is a Feeling

7/22/10 Abigail M. Polus

I made a vow to be celibate and sober this month

To try to clear my head
To stop the pain and sadness from coming
To stop hurting myself further

It seemed like a good plan

But

The stress is too much
The straw breaks 
the camel’s back
and I spiral down
off of my pedestal 
of sober and celibate 
restraint

There has been no feeling
in my body
in my soul
in my heart
for some time now

There is some sadness
and tears
but otherwise 
it is empty

When I snap
I finally feel

I feel anger
and rage
and passion
for the first time in a while

But when the wave comes
it is too intense to bear

I cannot sit with it
be with it
appreciate it
or own it

And all I want
is for IT
to go
AWAY

So I reach for my pipe
and let the smoke
blaze over the ferocity
of this hurricane

It dulls the pain
but my shoulders 
are still so tight
it feels like cancerous tumors
must be forming from the stress

So then I reach for the phone
and am willing to pay
anyone
anything
to come and rub 
my back
as soon as possible

An old lover obliges
and I am momentarily soothed
with the touch of his fingers
on my bare skin

He goes further though
to pleasure my body’s base
kissing me
where my spine ends
and right between my legs

At first I resist 
and want to hold on
to my ideals
to my plan of action
to keep myself from harm

But then it occurs to me
that this is the first time
I’ve felt pleasure
like this
in what for me
is way too long

So I let go
and embrace the fact
that 
HORNY
is a feeling

It is new 
and different
from the sadness
and despair
I’ve been feeling
and it makes me smile
and relax
It brings my mind
to a happy place
and allows my body
to rush with new
warm 
energy

and for the time now
I am satiated
and my mind 
is finally free
and tranquil

I may have failed
at going a month
sober and celibate
but at least
I can now appreciate
what it is like
to feel something new
and different

ANYTHING at all

Anger
Or more preferably
HORNY